


Amends

by writtenarts (fairytale_bliss)



Category: Waterloo Road (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 17:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21149303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairytale_bliss/pseuds/writtenarts
Summary: In the wake of their break up, relations between Lorraine and Nikki suffer further. Lorraine flounders in the face of it, but something has to give eventually.





	Amends

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Originally posted in June 2013.

_ Amends _

The cup of tea and the talking with her sister doesn’t make her feel better, but it’s a relief to get some of it off her chest. She keeps the visit to their mother to herself, not able to choke those particular words out, but thankfully Sonya is oblivious to the fact that she has more than just the disastrous day in terms of her relationship with Nikki on her mind. Still, it doesn’t make her forget about what’s happened; it doesn’t make her troubles simply float away. They’re still there, hanging around her neck like lead, bowing her head in defeat.

She’s never felt like this before. Business before pleasure is a rule that she’s stuck to with ironclad, unmoving zeal. She’s had a few flings in the past, but she’s never allowed herself to get in too deep. A quick shag to release some tensions—she _is_ only human, after all—and then a merry goodbye as soon as it’s done. She’s never confused business and pleasure before, and she’s certainly never allowed anyone to stay the night with her. Not like she’s let Nikki.

Sonya, surprisingly, is a good listener, pushing a plate of shortbreads towards her and encouraging her to eat. Lorraine takes one just to shut her up, though she doesn’t really like them, and she gulps down the tea, which has several sugars too many, though she knows Sonya’s heart had been in the right place when she’d made it, no doubt thinking that the sweetness would make her feel better.

“Did you really like her?” Sonya asks, stealing a biscuit for herself. Her eyes are wide and full of curiosity. Lorraine bites her lip. She’s never admitted anything like this to anyone in her life. It doesn’t matter if it’s only her sister. Perhaps that’s worse.

“Yes,” she says quietly, at last.

“I’m sorry.”

She shrugs, pushing her cup away. “There’s nothing that can be done.”

“Don’t say that.” Sonya’s voice is gentle. “There’s always something that can be done. Rhiannon taught me that today.”

Lorraine wrinkles her nose. “You’re taking advice from a bunch of unruly kids?”

Sonya’s face falls a little, and Lorraine inwardly curses herself. Why does she always feel the need to be so harsh?

“Tell you what,” she says, “why don’t you tell me about your business idea?”

Sonya looks torn between embarrassment and joy that her sister is actually interested in what she has to say. And then she begins to talk happily, all woes of the day forgotten, and Lorraine pretends to listen, nodding her head and making noises of agreement, but her mind is a million miles away. It’s with Nikki. What is she doing right now? Is she sitting at home, watching some rubbish programme on the TV just to take her mind off the day? Is she even still thinking about it? Does she hate her now?

When Lorraine leaves her sister’s, it’s late. She gets in her Ferrari – so much colder now – and drives home. There’s no sound. Normally, Nikki would be here, reclining on the sofa, completely at ease, tugging her down beside her and pushing the jacket from her shoulders, murmuring that it was time for her to leave the office behind. Now there is nothing. Lorraine has never felt more alone.

When she climbs into bed that night, she draws the sheets up to her face and closes her eyes. She can still smell Nikki’s perfume on them. They smell wonderful.

She cries.

\-- --

The next few weeks are awkward. Whenever Lorraine tries to catch Nikki alone, she makes up some excuse, citing needing to see Tom or having some lesson plans to complete. Lorraine is always left standing there, fighting desperately for words, ultimately silent and feeling oddly small.

When there are others around, Nikki treats her with such professional coolness that it is practically the Arctic; a cold “_morning,”_ in the staffroom to acknowledge her, a pointed move away from the coffee maker, putting her statement across in the bluntest manner possible. Around them, the other teachers smirk. Evidently, they know everything. It’s not surprising. Lorraine is in no doubt that Michael would have spilled the beans to Christine within moments, and Christine is one of Lorraine’s biggest thorns—no doubt the awful woman would have taken great glee in telling everyone about her hypocrisy. She gets some grief, particularly from the male teachers, who are obviously finding it amusing that she is more of a raging lesbian than a ballbuster. Outwardly, she keeps her head high and her gaze venomous; inside, she burns with shame.

She could have handled everyone else—all the hurtful comments, all the condescending looks—if Nikki wasn’t treating her in such a way. Lorraine can’t really blame her.

But, despite her successful businesses and the thousands of pounds and the flashy house, it doesn’t stop her feeling more alone than she ever has done in her life.

\-- --

Somehow, she gets through. Most of it is a blur of disjointed meetings. She feels even more disconnected from everything than she usually does. Except for the pain. _That _is a constant thing, a deadly disease burrowing between her bones, chilling her to the core. She can’t take the look in Nikki’s eyes when she happens to meet them. There’s so much hurt there, so much distrust. Everything that has happened is down to her. And somehow she has to live with it, continue functioning as best she can, continue focusing on the things that should matter, that don’t matter quite as much as they did before.

And then, quite out of nowhere, she gets the chance to speak to Nikki alone.

It’s late, afterschool. She, Nikki, Tom, and Michael should have been discussing the budget—once again. But now Lorraine feels as if she is fighting desperately against the tide that wants to sweep her away. She has no comrades, no one to defend her. It is three against one, and Nikki’s eyes are icy chips. Once, she had been her champion, fighting with her on every initiative.

_I think I was probably trying to impress you._

Now she is alone.

Tom has to leave first. He’s had a desperate call from Maggie who needs his reassurance. Michael lets him go. Lorraine bites her lip and tries to suppress an eye roll. _Sympathy and empathy_. They are two things that she needs to work on. They continue on for a while, the discussion getting more heated. And then Michael’s phone rings.

“I have to take this,” he says, glancing at the caller ID. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Lorraine suspects that it will only be Christine, checking up on where he is. No doubt she’ll be harassing him for dinner plans that he’s cancelled. It’s a call that could and should wait because she doesn’t want to be alone with the woman glaring at her from across the table. Not now. She isn’t prepared.

But then the office door clicks shut behind him, and they are alone.

For a moment, there is silence, aching, sweet, torturous silence.

And then she speaks because she knows she has to, desperate to breach the space between them. “Nikki—”

But her lover’s—her _ex-lover’s_—eyes flash warningly, and she pushes herself away from the table.

“Don’t you dare,” she says. “Don’t you _dare_, Lorraine.”

She bites her lip hard, but she knows that she can’t be deterred so easily. “Nik, please—”

Nikki shakes her head, expression fierce. “I’ve told you. I can’t gamble my heart just because you fancy trying something a bit different. I don’t want to lose if you decide that it’s not for you.”

And inside, Lorraine’s heart is breaking because she _does_ want to try, but she _can’t_ guarantee that everything will be okay, because she’s never been this out of her depth before in her entire life, and it’s scary, but she knows that she wants Nikki too, and it’s all so confusing—

And then Michael is making his way back into the room, stowing his mobile phone away, and the moment is over. If it can even be called a moment. Lorraine slumps back in her seat, suddenly feeling more drained than she’s ever felt in her life before. Still, she manages to push through the meeting through sheer willpower, arguing her points as best she can, determined not to be put off by Nikki’s cold, accusatory stare.

When it’s over and she’s free to escape, she walks as fast as she can back to her car, almost toppling in her six inch heels. She wrenches open the door, throws in her files, sinks gratefully into the leather. She rests her head against the steering wheel, willing herself to relax, to stop being so ridiculous, but she _can’t_. Even now, she feels as if she could fall apart at the thought of Nikki and her face set in stone. Gone is the easy camaraderie between the two of them, the cosy meals at the end of a tough day, the even cosier nightcaps back at hers. There are no secret smirks and lingering eye contact when they pass in the corridors at school. Everything is ruined, and it’s all her fault.

Nikki had accused her of not being human. The pain that is currently ripping through Lorraine’s entire body makes her feel all too human.

She wonders if perhaps it would be better to shut down completely.

\-- --

The monotonous, terrible routine continues. Each day, Lorraine gets up, goes to the school, mechanically goes through the same motions. Arguing with Michael about the cuts that are needed. Sharing glowers with Tom. Butting heads with Nikki in a battle that is more personal than professional. Countless times, she almost breaks down, pleads. Things can’t go on like this.

And then everything changes.

It comes out of nowhere. There is another new teacher—Michael’s way of defying her, Lorraine supposes. He’s tall and broad and cynical, with a sarcastic wit that gets a lot of people’s backs up, including Lorraine’s. Not that she has to deal with him much, thankfully.

But he is in the staffroom that second day, making himself a tea.

And he is talking to Nikki.

Lorraine stops short, but then pushes on purposefully, not to be intimidated. Nikki doesn’t spare her a second glance, obviously enthralled in whatever he is saying. Internally, Lorraine rolls her eyes. Typical man, obviously trying to capture a pretty woman’s attention. She busies herself with the coffee maker, drumming her nails impatiently against the counter while she waits. Unbidden, her eyes wander back over to the pair of them.

The breath snags in her throat.

He is touching her arm.

Hot jealousy flares through her veins for a moment, before she forces herself to calm. What right does she have now? They are over. And Nikki…Nikki doesn’t go for rugged, cynical men.

As though she can read her thoughts, Nikki turns her head just slightly. Their eyes meet for the briefest of instants. And then she turns back to the bloke, tilting her head just slightly, as though she is interested in what he is saying.

This time, it is _her _hand on _his _arm.

Lorraine feels sick, slamming her mug back down on the counter.

The coffee can wait. She can’t bear to watch a second longer.

\-- --

The next few weeks are even more torturous than Lorraine could ever have believed. Every time she walks into the staffroom, there they are. Together. Talking. Laughing. Exchanging looks.

Lorraine doesn’t fail to notice that Nikki keeps glancing at her, too, as though she is making sure that she is still watching them.

In the end, Lorraine takes to eluding the staffroom at all costs. It’s easier that way. She cites an endlessly full diary and hundreds of finance meetings, anything to avoid them. She even has to swallow her pride and ask Tom to show her around the finance figures so that she can look at them in her own office, away from Nikki’s piercing eyes. She hopes that this way, the pain will start to dull, become a distant memory.

It doesn’t.

Every time she thinks she catches sight of a wave of short brown hair, her heart skips a sickening beat. Every time her mobile rings, a secret part of her hopes that it will be Nikki.

It never is.

The pain isn’t lessening.

Somehow, it’s becoming worse.

\-- --

A week later, Michael strolls into the office looking very pleased with himself. Lorraine spares him a glance, then returns to the figures that she is perusing, tucking a strand of her curly hair behind her ear as she frowns at the screen.

“Anything interesting?” Michael asks casually.

“It’s hardly your concern.” It comes out snappish, but she can’t bring herself to care.

Michael looks like he will retaliate scathingly for a moment before he shakes his head, obviously deciding against it. Instead, he makes his way to his own desk, perching himself on the edge of it.

“A few of us are getting together for a few drinks after school,” he says. “The offer’s open to you as well, if you fancy it. It could be a good thing to have a break from work.”

_Business and pleasure_. Just thinking the words makes the blood curdle in her veins. Her fingers slam against the laptop’s keys a little harder than necessary.

“I’m not sure I can spare the time. There’s a lot to do.”

“You’re always working. One night off surely won’t hurt.” He’s trying to be coaxing and gentle, but it’s not working. It makes him sound patronising.

_Business and pleasure_.

She chokes on a lump in her throat, turning away. She won’t crumble. She’s Lorraine Donnegan, business woman extraordinaire. Nothing has ever beaten her before.

_It’ll look like you’ve been beaten if you don’t go tonight._

Will it? Will she look weak and pathetic if she turns Michael down? Oh, nobody else knows about it, but _he_ does, and won’t that make it worse, knowing that he _pities_ her? Lorraine has never been pitied before in her life. She hates the thought of it.

“Go on, then.” The words are out of her mouth before she can control them, but she keeps her head held high and stares levelly into his eyes, just daring him to say anything else.

He doesn’t. He simply nods his head and smiles.

Lorraine feels sicker than ever.

\-- --

She arrives a little late, because she’d changed her mind about coming five times, and her outfit three before settling on the one that she’s in now. A dress, short and black. Heels to kill. If she’s going out, then she’s bloody well going to get dressed up.

And perhaps Nikki will notice her and realise what a mistake she’s made in being so cold.

And perhaps that’s a bit childish, but it’s how she feels.

The pub is full with her workmates when she arrives. The new science teacher who she can’t remember the name of no matter how hard she tries is standing at the bar with Michael and Christine. The latter looks as if she’s ready to die of boredom, inconspicuously sliding her hand into Michael’s and trying to drag him away towards an empty table. Audrey is here, and she’s brought her toy boy. She spies Sonya sitting forlornly in a corner, nursing a large white wine. She looks as if she’s been told the worst news in the world.

Lorraine knows how she feels.

Because she’s just met Nikki’s eyes. She glances away quickly, but it had still been enough time for her to get the full effect of her wearing a pretty grey blouse and a nice pair of trousers.

_She_ is the one who looks gorgeous, and Lorraine feels her heart contract in her chest. Stubbornly, she moves over to the bar and orders a bottle of wine. She might as well start as she means to go on.

There is no one here that she really wants to mingle with. They’re all laughing and look so gallingly _happy_. She visibly winces when she sees Christine lean in for a kiss from Michael, and has to avert her gaze altogether when Ndale presses his lips against a glowing Audrey’s cheek. By contrast, Sonya seems to have grown more morose, and Lorraine totters over to her, banging down the bottle of wine and sliding into the seat opposite her.

“You look like I feel,” she says, because there is no point in lying to her sister now that she knows everything. “Here.”

“Thanks,” she murmurs, accepting a refill of her glass, glugging it down gracelessly. Lorraine wrinkles her nose, sipping more reservedly.

“Want to talk about it?” she asks, though she doesn’t really want to listen.

“Not really,” Sonya says sadly, reaching for the bottle again. “Got any more of this?”

Lorraine rolls her eyes, pushing her own glass towards her. Sonya takes that and gulps it down too. Lorraine folds her arms and allows her gaze to wander around the pub. They’re all there, in their cosy little groups. They might be talking and laughing together, but they’re pairing off. Christine and Michael. Audrey and Ndale. Tom and the science teacher are talking together—now that’s a scary thought. And then, of course, there is Nikki and George. He leans in towards her. She tilts her head to the side intently. His lips almost brush her ear—

Abruptly, Lorraine stands. Sonya starts hazily, squinting up at her older sister.

“Lo?” she says. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she replies, though she can’t take her eyes away from the two of them. His hand is too close to Nikki’s back. She can’t stay here. She can’t put herself through this any longer.

“Lo?”

“Fancy some sister time?” she asks, without taking her eyes away from Nikki. Nikki can obviously feel her glare, for she glances around. They stare at each other for a few seconds, before Lorraine breaks it at the sound of Sonya’s answer.

“Yeah,” she says, sounding shaky. The sight of Ndale and Audrey holding hands must be making her feel queasy—it’s certainly making _her _feel that way. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Great,” she says. “Come on, grab your bag.”

They walk out together without really saying goodbye to anyone. Lorraine is past the point of caring what people think of her. She knows what most people think. Cold-hearted bitch. She wishes she _were_ more cold-hearted, because then at least things wouldn’t hurt quite so much.

This time, Lorraine can feel Nikki’s eyes on her back as she leaves, but she doesn’t turn around, not even when every fibre of her body screams at her to do so. Instead, she holds her head high and doesn’t even complain when Sonya slips her arm into hers, even if it’s not something she likes.

Things can’t continue on as they are.

Something has to give.

\-- --

By silent agreement, they go back to Sonya’s. Lorraine’s place is much nicer than her sister’s, whose flat is cramped and in a dubious part of the city but, somehow, Lorraine finds it easier to talk there. It seems less cold than her own home. She needs friendliness today.

Seemingly realising that she’s had enough to drink already, Sonya totters over to the counter and flicks on the kettle. She pulls out two mugs while Lorraine perches herself on the edge of the tiny sofa. They stay silent until the tea is done, and Sonya wobbles to sit by her side.

“Here we go,” she says. “Just how you like it.”

It’s too sweet again, but Lorraine says nothing, downing it. Sonya hasn’t taken a sip of her own yet, staring forlornly at the floor. Lorraine sighs inaudibly. She’s never been any good at the comforting thing. But her sister looks as though she needs her. Tentatively, she rests her hand on her back, as though she’s afraid that she’ll bite.

“Son?” she says.

Sonya shudders.

The words feel tangled and confused in her mouth. “Do you want to talk about it yet?”

_There you go. Practice at being human._

Her lip curls against the thought of Nikki’s biting words, and she grits her teeth. Her hand on her sister’s back feels awkward.

Sonya sniffles a little, then shakes her head. “No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Lorraine isn’t sure if she feels relieved or not. “You sure?”

“Yeah. Thanks. But there is something that I reckon we _should_ talk about.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

Sonya takes a deep breath, twisting her hands in her lap. She looks almost scared. Lorraine finds out why in the next moment.

“Sis…what’s going on with Nikki Boston and George Windsor?”

The words cut at her like a knife. She flattens her mouth into a hard line and says nothing.

“Only…well, not meaning anything, but I thought Nikki was gay?”

She can hear her blood pounding in her head. She doesn’t want to talk about this. She’d rather hear her sister’s dreary bloke problems.

“Sis?”

“Actually, she’s bi,” she chokes. “And I couldn’t care less about her and George.”

But of course she cares. She cares more than she should. Sonya seems to read right through her bravado, for she moves closer, reaching out to touch her hand. Lorraine resists the temptation of jerking away from the touch.

“It’s okay,” she says. “You don’t have to hide it from me.”

“I’m not,” she says briskly, though there is detachment in her voice. “Nikki and I are over. She has the perfect right to do what she likes.”

“But I don’t _understand_. Why is she going after that man?”

Because she knows that it’s bothering her, that’s probably why. But Lorraine simply shrugs as though it’s trivial. “Does it matter?”

“Course it does. I don’t like seeing you like this, Lo.”

“Like what?” she asks. It comes out part angry, part defensive. Sonya doesn’t bat an eyelid.

“Sad,” she says without missing a beat. “You’ve never let life get you down before.”

“Yeah, well,” she says listlessly. It’s different this time. She’s never felt like this before. Before, it really _has_ never mattered.

Silence for a moment. And then Sonya turns those blue eyes on her. Lorraine has often questioned her sister’s intelligence, but there is nothing but wisdom in her gaze now.

“You need to fight for her,” she says simply.

“What?”

“You heard me. You’ve always been my strong big sister. Prove to me that you’re still the same person.”

Lorraine doesn’t like that she’s trying to turn this into a challenge. She’s never been able to back down from a challenge issued by her. It was how she’d broken her arm spectacularly aged fourteen when she’d been dared to climb the old tree in the garden. It was how she’d been grounded for a month aged sixteen for climbing out of the bedroom window because Sonya had told her that she’d be too scared to do it.

Nikki can’t be compared to a silly childhood challenge, but perhaps the same mentality is needed here. Perhaps her sister is right, even if she hasn’t stated it outright: perhaps she’d given up too easily. Perhaps this is Nikki’s way of testing her, of seeing how fast she crumbles.

What a right bloody mess she’s made of everything.

But she needs to try and fix it. God, if it can be fixed, then she’ll do anything. Slowly, she nods, managing a small smile.

“Thank you, Sonya,” she says. “You’ve been a big help.”

Her sister looks nonplussed. “Really?”

Her smile widens just a fraction. “Yeah.”

The look of pleased pride on her sister’s face is almost endearing. “You’re welcome, then. Anytime.”

\-- --

She doesn’t do anything after her chat with her sister. Instead, she goes home and plans.

She’s all fire when it comes to the morning, full of energy that needs to be quelled. She bounds into school with more fervour than she’s had since that horrible day. She goes into the staffroom with her head held high and holds her own in a heated debate about her latest ideas for the budget cut. She feels Nikki’s stare on her through it all, but she chooses to ignore it, concentrating on the situation at hand. _Professional_. Tom leads the more disgruntled members of staff out of the room as soon as the bell for first period rings, and Lorraine sees this as her chance. As the rest gather their things together, she steps forward, blocking Nikki’s way as she turns to leave. Her eyes flash warningly as she realises that she can’t get through, but Lorraine doesn’t let it deter her. Instead, she draws herself up to her full height—which even in her impressive heels isn’t as impressive as Nikki’s own natural one—and seizes her courage in both hands.

“I need a word after school today,” she says. No messing. No room for argument.

Nikki scowls at her. “About what?”

“Budget things,” she says without missing a beat. “I’ll see you in your office.”

And then she turns and walks away without allowing herself a moment to balk.

This is it. She’s setting things right.

\-- --

When the time comes around, however, she’s feeling much less confident than she’d been feeling before. She stands outside Nikki’s office door with her heart pounding in her chest, a nauseating tattoo against her ribcage. Her hands shake as she moves them to push her hair back, and she takes a moment to compose herself, drawing her breath in deeply. This is it. No turning back.

Slowly, she pushes open the door. For a split-second, she believes that she’ll find the room empty, Nikki having scarpered as soon as the bell signalling the end of the day had rung.

But no, there she is, sitting behind her desk. She’s scowling and she looks hostile, but she’s _there_. Somehow, despite everything, that soothes her. Slowly, she moves into the room, closing the door quietly behind her. They stare at each other in silence for several long moments, their eyes flickering over each other’s expressions, before Nikki clears her throat, folding her arms across her chest.

“The budget,” she says.

Lorraine takes a step forward, willing her courage not to fail her now. “You know that’s not why I’m here.”

Nikki’s mouth flattens into a stubborn line. “Lorraine, you should leave.”

She shakes her head resolutely, taking another step forward. “I won’t. Not this time. We need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to say.”

“There’s everything to say, and you know it.”

“You won’t change anything, you know,” she says as Lorraine comes to a stop in front of her desk. “It’s done now.”

“Then that’s fair enough,” she answers, though inside she can feel her heart sickening. “But whatever the outcome, I need to say my piece.”

Nikki is still scowling, but she doesn’t say anything else. Lorraine takes it as a small victory. She doesn’t ask if she can sit down, fearing that she won’t be able to get back up if she sits. Instead, she leans herself against Nikki’s desk, and takes a deep breath. Nikki leans herself back.

“Go on, then,” she says. “Say what you need to say.”

Lorraine nods. This is it. No matter what happens, this is her last chance. She can live with herself if she tries. Even if tonight really does spell the end, at least she’ll have done her very best.

She’s never been the kind of person to beat around the bush, and she doesn’t see the point of doing it here either. She’s the one to blame for everything that’s happened between them, and she won’t shy away from it. Instead, she holds her head high and looks her straight in the eye.

“I messed up big time,” she says. No excuses, no cushioning it. Just the plain, simple facts.

Nikki arches an eyebrow at her. “Yeah, you did.” But her tone is less hostile.

“I’m not asking for forgiveness. But I just want to tell you that I’m sorry for everything that’s happened.”

Nikki remains silent. Her eyes are watchful.

“I _did_ panic when Michael first found out. I’ve been onto him from day one about his relationship with Christine, and he was looking at me so smugly when he realised that I’d been doing the exact same as he had. I had no idea what to do. But I was a fool to do the things that I did.”

“You were pretty unfeeling about it,” says Nikki. “Do you know how much that hurt? That you could just waltz in and say your piece and waltz out again, as if none of it had meant anything to you?”

There’s a flicker of anger in her tone. Lorraine doesn’t break eye contact with her, though she flinches.

“It’s not easy for me to admit that I’m wrong about anything. But I’ve never made a worse mistake in my entire life. You’re the first person who’s ever made me feel this way, Nik. I’ve had relationships before, but none of them have mattered. I thought that I could feel the same way about this one, but I don’t. Christ, I don’t.”

Nikki’s eyes soften just slightly. She risks moving closer.

“I’m not about to niggle at you until you change your mind. I understand that this is all my fault. But even if we can’t be anything more, I’d like us to be friends again. I’ve missed you.”

Slowly, Nikki stands. Her chair scrapes across the carpet. She rounds the desk until they’re standing in front of one another.

“If you’re being honest, then I’ll extend the same courtesy to you,” she says. “I won’t deny that I’ve missed your friendship. You’re a little rough around the edges, but you’ve got your heart in the right place.”

Lorraine assumes that it’s supposed to be a compliment. She stays silent, not wanting to do anything that could jeopardise what’s happening now.

“And I know that I’ve been a bit of a nightmare towards you recently.”

“No more than I am every day of my life.”

Nikki manages a weak smile. “Even so, I haven’t been making it easier for either of us. And I’ve been angry at you. Very angry. I thought that if I could stay angry at you, it would make it hurt less. I thought I could convince myself that I’d never cared that much in the first place if I just felt angry at how you’d discarded me.”

Lorraine winces again.

“But if I’ve learnt anything over these last few weeks, it’s that I’m less angry at you than I’d hoped. And I was just hurt instead. I’ve just been trying to cover it up.”

“By spending time with George.”

Nikki suddenly looks defensive. “It’s never been like that.”

Lorraine arches an eyebrow, but she tries to keep her tone light. She doesn’t want to sound as if she’s accusing. “Really? You’ve been looking pretty cosy.”

“I would have thought that it was obvious to everyone that he’s not my type—woman _or _man.”

“Yes, but George is new.”

“The others could have told him.”

Lorraine supposes they could have, but she thinks that the promise of more delicious gossip—and getting back at her—was far more tempting. “You _have_ been leading him on, though.”

“Maybe I have.”

“Why?”

Nikki frowns, her face twisting. “You know why.”

Lorraine feels a shiver flood through her body. Because of her. She’d wanted to make her jealous. And it had worked. “What are you going to do?”

“Set the record straight. I’ve never given him any reason to believe that there could be something more between us. And I’m not even sure that he sees me like that anyway.”

Lorraine smirks. “He probably does. You know why?”

“Why?”

Nikki’s walked right into that one. Lorraine bends closer, letting her fingertips brush against her shoulders. She hears Nikki’s sharp intake of breath, then lets her fingers drift closer to the exposed skin of her neck. Nikki doesn’t make any attempt to pull away. Lorraine takes it as a good sign. Slowly, she moves her face closer, letting her eyes flicker all over her face, catching her lip between her teeth. Nikki’s tongue darts out to wet her own. A _very_ good sign.

“Because you’re beautiful,” she says, her voice rasping. Her fingers slide up her neck, into her short hair.

Nikki makes an odd sound that’s almost a whimper. Her eyes are searching her face.

“I don’t want you just so that I can practice at being human,” Lorraine continues. “I want you for you, and I want to make us work.”

“Us?”

Lorraine’s heart misses a beat in her chest, but she pushes on all the same. “Yes, us.”

“I told you that I didn’t want to risk my heart.”

“I know you did. I don’t want you to risk it either.”

There’s silence for a moment, so thick that it’s almost suffocating. And still they stand frozen together, barely an inch of space between them.

“I can’t promise you that I’ll always be perfect. You know what I’m like now. But I can promise you that I’ll always try, and I’ll never be as stupid as I was these past few weeks.”

Nikki pauses, seeming to mull over what has been said. She’s frowning, just a little. Lorraine wishes that she could kiss it away. And then, tentatively, she begins to smile.

“I did promise myself that I’d never put my heart on the line for you. I told myself that I’d got out at the right time, before I couldn’t control my feelings any longer.”

She pauses here. Lorraine stares at her harder, tilting her head just slightly. “But…?”

“But it was already too late,” Nikki says simply.

The world around Lorraine bursts back into life. She knows what she’s saying. And even if now isn’t the right time—there are still so many other things that need to be sorted first—she knows that it will be there to stay in the future. Feeling braver than she has done all night, she finally begins to close the gap between them. Nikki moves closer too, and their lips meet halfway. It’s slow, gentle, full of promises. Lorraine twists the short strands of Nikki’s hair more ardently between her fingers, tugging on them just slightly. Nikki’s hands are moving too, snaking down to her hips, pulling her closer. And then it’s all tongues and teeth, mouths moving desperately, not wanting to lose contact for even a second, until the need for air simply becomes too much. They part gently then, smiling in unison, hearts beating fast.

“Does that mean I’m forgiven for being a total screw-up?” Lorraine asks, and Nikki laughs just a little.

“Yeah,” she says. “I suppose it does.”

Lorraine’s hand slips down into Nikki’s. “What do you say to a drink?”

“I’d say yes. But not in the local.”

“Too soon,” she agrees. “Come on, get your stuff together.”

Nikki nods, moving to collect her bag. Lorraine can’t take her eyes off her.

She has a lot to thank Sonya for.


End file.
